Toby, I love you

It has been quite awhile aye.

It has been one week now. One week ago, something tragic happened that will change my life forever. It is my boy, Toby. Toby left us, forever. How had life changed.

He is not coming back. He left us for good. It's really depressing, perhaps, I felt beyond depressed.

He is the only dog that entertained me. When I need an ear to listen, he's there for me. When I need somewhere to release my burden, he's there for me. When I'm down and I need somewhere to cry on, he's there for me. I just cannot believe, he's no longer here with me, he's no longer here to listen to me, he's no longer here to console me, he's no longer here to make me feel better.

He made me laugh when I'm sad. He made me smile when I'm down. He made me feel so loved when I'm all alone. We grew up together, and most importantly, he's there when I need him the most. He was there during my most crucial years. I just can't imagine without him.

I know this time will come. But, I am not prepared. I must learn to let go, I can't. I must learn to accept the fact, I still can't. I feel extremely lonely. Each time I'm in the compound, he automatically appears in my mind, thinking of how he used to make me laugh, thinking how I used to talked to him and he, was there listening and tried his best to make me feel better. And, he always did not fail to make me see the sunshine again.

I always feel very emotionally attached to all my dogs. However, this time, I feel most attached to. It's so deep I just can't accept it even after a week. On the day when he left us, I could not eat, I could not sleep, I could not work, I could not even drive. I felt so numb, so numb that I do not wanna do anything. I wanted to follow him badly.

One Friday few weeks ago when I was feeding him his dinner just like the usual Fridays, he was not eating. It's normal for dogs not to eat once in awhile. At that point of time, I knew something was really wrong, and it's not the usual he's sick and it will be okay the next day. I felt so wrong. My instincts is telling me something. It's telling me, this is not good news. We took him to the vet, and it's really bad news. He was diagnosed with cancer, weak heart (that's the reason of him panting away and difficulty in breathing), and worms in his ears. I see him, with that difficulty in breathing makes it so heartbreaking to see him in this condition and situation. As much as I want him to end his miserable life, at the same time, I cannot find myself to let him go.

One night, the day before he left us, something triggered me. Usually, I don't come down at 12 midnight to see my dogs. That night, something told me to come down and see him. At least to see him sleep. I just wanted to see him so badly. Who knows, the next day, everything ended, even though I wanted to just see him is really too late. That was my last sight of him.

I might still have April with me. But, the chemistry that we have, is not the same and never be the same as Toby. I feel much more attached with Toby.

Toby, rest in peace. I will always love you, and remember you as my lil boy, always. We will meet again some day. By now, you should have arrived in Heaven's door. Saranghae!